he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
