fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize