i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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