honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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