Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
