im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
