I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
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Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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