you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
