Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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