Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
