I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My feet surprised me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
