Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
