I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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