Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
