Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
