i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
do herpes really smell.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
