Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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