i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
