i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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