Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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