after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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