Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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