Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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