I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think I just sharted jello shots
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