Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
