I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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