whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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