Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
