ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So much rum. So many feels.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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