Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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