I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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