he shaved USA in his pubs
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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