My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
