3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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