I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
