please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
