I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
