You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
