I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
