How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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