U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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