New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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