Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
