My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
