If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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