we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
They have beer where we have blood.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
