grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
