Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(971): View more from Oregon

There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.

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(971): There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home. http://tfl.nu/78m4

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(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

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(208): you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack http://tfl.nu/46lg

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(518): View more from New York

He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.

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(518): He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/dgde

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad

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(201): he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad http://tfl.nu/jzas

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(803): we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper http://tfl.nu/mqbh

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(731): He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars.... http://tfl.nu/aa23

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

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(773): I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger. http://tfl.nu/s2b5

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

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(225): Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM... http://tfl.nu/su1z

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(831): i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila http://tfl.nu/efvv

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(708): you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato http://tfl.nu/7tnq

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(206): I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again. http://tfl.nu/7eb6

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(402): Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains. http://tfl.nu/xruv

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(407): When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad? http://tfl.nu/v8ru

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.

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(630): I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive. http://tfl.nu/thwy

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