Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
