M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
