everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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