filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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