You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have feelings that need drinking.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
