im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
