I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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