capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
