I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
